Spiritual Power Couples
What can Buddhism teach us about how to navigate the modern complexities of dating? We asked some of our favorite spiritual guides to help us understand the love, truth, attachment and acceptance that surfaces as we navigate romantic connections in a realm that’s best known for suffering.
Interviews have been edited for length and clarity
Rachel (left) and Santy (right)
Rachel (she/her) is the executive director at Three Jewels NYC and Santy (she/her) is an executive at Nike. Today, they’re both meditation teachers and mentors, but their romantic journey began seven years ago when they matched on a dating app in 2015.
How did you meet and were you looking for a spiritual partner at the time?
R: I met Santy on Tinder. I told people up front on Tinder that I am a Buddhist and if that’s an issue they shouldn’t waste their time with me. That I am looking for a spiritual partner. That I don’t want kids, I don’t want a picket fence, but I do want to study, serve my community and probably enter retreat for a few years without contact with the outside world. I told Santy all of this within the first day of messaging and she stuck around.
S: We matched on Tinder while I was at JFK flying back home to LA after a work trip. I was mesmerized by how “feisty” her cover photo was – not smiling, glaring, giving the middle finger. She had me at “f*ck you” lol. Challenge accepted! I had doubts that Tinder would actually function to find a serious partner, but after my friends suggested, I tried it. At the time, I wasn’t spiritually active or specifically looking for a spiritual partner.
What makes this relationship different from your previous relationships or different from your ideas about loving relationships when you were single?
R: There are many similar themes and dynamics despite the fact that Santy is quite different from my former partners. The difference is me. I have a new skillset and worldview that I am working with, so the way I react to things, the way I navigate relationships is all very different, and largely founded on the Buddhist concept of Emptiness or SHUNYATA, which is something we talk a lot about at Three Jewels. If it’s true that my partner has SHUNYATA it means that they don’t have any inherent qualities of ‘good partner’ or ‘good listener’ or ‘soulmate’ or ‘sexy’ from within them radiating out to me. But rather, my partner is like a mirror, reflecting my own consciousness. This takes a long time to ingest, but once I did, I started relating with Santy like I relate with SHUNYATA. I treat her (as best I can) the way I want to be treated. And when things aren’t pleasant to me, I don’t freak out and end the relationship like I have in past relationships. I just wait. And I calmly show the mirror what I want. It might seem a bit surreal. But this is how reality works according to Buddhism. So I am much more patient. I am much more kind. At the same time, I know that I could just as easily fall in love with anyone. But I choose Santy and she chooses me to work with. This is a spiritual partnership.
S: We did the long distance thing and didn’t actually meet each other in person until two months after matching on Tinder. We got to know each other through text and phone calls. In the past, I met my partners in person initially because their appearance was attractive. With Rachel, I was attracted to her personality and the conversations we had. Our relationship progressed at measured paces. We dated long distance for 2.5 years before I decided to move to NY, living separately for 1.5 years before deciding to move in together. In my previous relationships, things moved pretty quickly with deciding to be together and moving in. A spiritual shift happened in me during our relationship. Rachel was my Buddhist gateway. I was inspired by her passion and commitment to her spiritual practice which made me curious about Buddhism to study it as well. Our spiritual practice is a big part of our relationship as we progress along the path individually and as a couple. Spirituality was never a factor in my past relationships, and in turn, there wasn’t a practice of deep reflection of the self. I think a lot of focus was put on the outward attainments, like career, social sphere, art & culture, consumerism, rather than inner evolution. Through my spiritual practice and relationship with Rachel, who bluntly tells me the truth and is immensely supportive in my personal evolution, I’ve started to cultivate inner happiness through service and detaching my self-worth from outer things.
Are there any beliefs or habits you had to adopt or let go of in order to make this relationship successful?
R: Everything. The more we hold on to concepts and agreements and identities the more they cut us down. I let go of everything and try to just love.
S: I had to let go of being able to predict where we would end up, taking it day by day. I had to work on releasing attachments or expectations of what I only wanted and to be co-creators of how we wanted the relationship to function, how we wanted to relate to one another, how to support each other in each other’s individual goals, and how to work together on goals as a couple. I had to acknowledge and heal my own personal traumas and injuries to make myself a better individual and partner. Not put the burden or expectation on anyone else to “fix” me. I had to learn to ask for help and learn to accept it. To not be afraid of admitting my faults or weaknesses. To know that I am worthy of love and being loved just as I am and to reflect that back to my partner.
Are there any spiritual practices you personally use as an individual to navigate conflict or uncomfortable moments in the relationship?
R: Yes, it is a Lo Jong practice called TAKE THE LOSS. Lo Jong means heart training. It is a series of practices designed to help you love people and yourself. Taking the loss is an experience when you’re in conflict with someone, you reflect that this experience is sort of ripening between you two like a weed in a rose garden, and that it’s really neither of your fault. But it’s there. You recognize that selfishness is what creates pain, so no matter what is going on (unless it’s imminently dangerous) you say, “ok, you win.” And you let your partner get what they want: validation, etc.
S: Emptiness has been a huge tool to help me be aware of the immediate reaction and label I apply to people, things and situations and to try and look past the surface and look more deeply at how I must have created this, how there is a deeper teaching within it, how there is the potential for me to come to realization and find wisdom. Also, seeing my partner as my teacher and every action and word from them as some coded divine message or lesson. Future refuge meditation helps me visualize my highest realized self and every perfected quality and aspect they possess. Asking my enlightened self for advice and help on how to deal with the most mundane and important issues i’m struggling with, to learn how to work with it.
Are there any spiritual practices you use to connect with each other and how often do you practice together?
R: Connection is the natural outcropping of doing things that are important to us individually. The more I am taking care of other people, the happier I am. Likewise for Santy. This helps our relationship.
S: Serving Three Jewels and the community. Planting so many karmic seeds to help others have extraordinary realizations through Three Jewels’ programming, for both students and teachers alike. Being able to discuss how to apply the teachings in a practical way to our life and how to apply our life to the highest goals.
What are your top relationship values or intentions?
R: I think the basic agreement is that we want to feel good. But the thing is, when you’re a Buddhist you’re all also in this basic agreement that this realm is f*cked. Like, the human realm, or SAMSARA it’s only constant is pain and disappointment. So Santy and I kind of acknowledge that we will never be happy together because we are in this realm. And we acknowledge that the best way to be happy is to achieve Enlightenment, to achieve the state that the Buddha (and many others) have achieved. So our togetherness and search for happiness within each other is really our search for Enlightenment. And not just for our sake, but for everyone else we know who is stuck in a realm like this one.
S: To constantly support each other and challenge one another to be better individual’s. To take everything we learn and cultivate within our relationship to share with others. To become enlightened.
What is your best advice for single people looking to enter a spiritually connected relationship? Is there anything you wish you could have told your younger, single self?
R: Be the partner you want. I see so many people complaining about their dating lives and constantly seeking and then disposing of people, like there is a special someone who is magically perfect- not just for you- but with perfect patience. To me it’s kind of simple: find someone and then love them unconditionally. As simple as it is, this will be very difficult especially if you have relationship issues or attachment issues, but if you keep doing it, loving in the many forms that love requires, it will gently hone the ability to give and receive love. Just love now and don’t expect the love to come first. Practice loving your friends, family and the people you date that you don’t want to be with. Love those who have broken your heart or disappointed you. Keep loving even when you need to set boundaries and protect yourself. Keep loving even when people are boring and stupid.
S: The thoughts and feelings you encounter in others are a reflection of something more deeply rooted in your own mind and habits. Avoid blame or thinking that you are separate from others. Use your relationships as a vehicle for self realization. Use your relationships to really understand what love is. It isn’t always pretty or pleasant and it can teach you some hard lessons. Don’t get fixated on the feeling it gives you, but the insight it provides. Let go of expectations or trying to fit your partner into a box. Learn to embrace and love them just as they are. Take time to reflect back to your partner the things you appreciate or admire about them. You don’t need to have everything in common for things to work. It’s not what’s on paper, it’s what is in your heart.
John-Chris (left) and Sachi (right)
Sachi (she/her) and John-Chris (he/him) met in Italy when they were both studying abroad in 2011. Today, they are both dedicated dharma students as well as yoga and meditation teachers.
How did you meet and were you looking for a spiritual partner at the time?
S: John-Chris was studying in Madrid and I was in Florence. He ended up traveling to Florence with a group of friends, including one of my best friends, so we all met up. We bonded over tequila shots and Kanye West. I was not looking for a relationship or anything really. I wanted to be on my own after ending a previous relationship. I don’t think he was looking for a relationship either. But months later, we ran into each other at a coffee shop near NYU and started dating a few months after that. At the time we met, I was reading books on Buddhism and the psychology of happiness and discovering yoga. I guess I figured when I was ready to meet someone it would probably be a hot guy in one of my yoga classes. Instead, I found myself crushing on John-Chris. He was impossibly honest, loved his family, and that made him so attractive to me.
JC: I wasn’t spiritual at all at the time I met Sachi, and actually identified as an “anti-theist.” I had been quite religious as a kid though, and actually wanted to be a pastor, or study Theology in college. My mother had bought me a book on Buddhism as a child, but I didn’t really get exposed to Buddhism until I met Sachi. Several years ago, I started meditating to cope with anxiety, became familiar with “secular” Buddhism and then fell in love with Lord Buddha’s teachings (it all made so much sense!). Sachi had actually been recommending books to me years before, but I came across it when I did. Then Sachi and I started to study the Dharma and practice together. It’s fun to look back to when we met because we’ve changed so much.
What makes this relationship different from your previous relationships or different from your ideas about loving relationships when you were single?
JC: I didn’t really have a long-term relationship before Sachi. Sachi helped me realize I wanted (by virtue of being this for me) was someone who loved me with all my faults and imperfections. Someone who could see things in me that I had trouble seeing in myself. Early on, we were aware that, like any couple, the odds were stacked against us, but we were committed to being in this for the long haul. Sachi would always remind me that we were going to change over the years so that we needed to anticipate change and grow together.
S: There’s nothing hidden between us. We’ve learned over the years how to communicate fully, completely and honestly. Even if it might hurt the other person, we’ve always prioritized honest communication. This was new for me. In prior relationships, I think I always held something back because I wasn’t even honest with myself. It’s funny because the more I’ve been meditating and on my path, the more I see my previous partners as teachers. Each of them taught me how to grow, how to love myself more and how to not be dependent on a relationship to be the source of my happiness. So I can see now that the timing was perfect when I met John-Chris because I had already learned a lot of hard but invaluable lessons.
Are there any beliefs or habits you had to adopt or let go of in order to make this relationship successful?
S: One of the things I had in my mind early on in our relationship was that we were inevitably going to change as people. I had read some piece of pop culture research that people think certain things, like their favorite color, activity or food, will stay the same. But when researchers talk to them ten years later, those things have completely changed. I told John-Chris that would be us too and that I was hoping that we would change and grow together. I look at us today, nearly ten years after we first met and that holds true. We’ve grown and changed so much. Our paths only seem more intertwined, too. We didn’t meditate when we first started dating. Now we do. We didn’t practice yoga together before. Now we do. We didn’t study or practice Buddhism together. Now we do.
JC: I had to let go of the idea that in an argument, my partner would ever actively want to hurt me in any shape or form. This was pretty transformative for me because I started to always give her the benefit of the doubt. That helped me see that she was always trying her best, always coming from a place of wanting the best for me.
Are there any spiritual practices you personally use as an individual to navigate conflict or uncomfortable moments in the relationship?
JC: If I or both of us are frustrated or upset for one reason or another, I’ll try to put myself in her shoes and imagine how I would feel if I were her. Another thing that has helped me a lot is to think, “Are you treating her the way she treats you? Or are there some standards you are holding her to that you don’t expect her to hold you to?” I try to hold onto an awareness that I could have a lot less time with her than I think. That really helps me when I’m being stubborn or having trouble letting go of something. I’ll imagine that this was the last day I had with her, or that she had been missing for the past couple of weeks and that she was found. Sometimes it makes me get emotional, but I’ll just look at her like, “Wow, you’re really here, really sitting here with me” because I know one day she won’t be. So we try to talk about death to make each moment count, even the little ones like eating lunch together or brushing our teeth together.
S: I try to remind myself that our time together is limited. We don’t know how long we have together in this life. I hope we will get to be cute and wrinkly old people, but that’s not guaranteed. We meditate on death together and that helps prevent a lot of arguments because no one’s got time for that if this is your last day together. Another thing I try to practice is seeing how my state of mind can change my perceptions of everything around me, including John-Chris. If I’m stressed or frustrated, I might get hung up on small things. If I practice gratitude for the beauty and magic John-Chris brings to my life, it’s much harder to get stuck.
Are there any spiritual practices you use to connect with each other and how often do you practice together?
JC: We support each other’s meditation practice and recently started doing our daily meditation sitting side by side. We also do yoga asana together. We also act as sounding boards for each other when she prepares to teach yoga or when I prepare to lead meditations. We’ve been creating music together too, which is a special way to bond and express ourselves creatively.
S: We are often drawn to the same teachers. We like the same yoga classes. So we practice asana together regularly. When I started teaching yoga, John-Chris helped me by letting me practice teaching with him and giving me feedback. He is also my “yoga model” in classes I teach. We recently started sitting together for our meditation practice. Oh and he’s the best dharma study buddy! His Virgo organizational skills keep my Gemini multi-tasking energy focused.
What are your top relationship values or intentions?
JC: We both really value open and honest communication. I would say our top intention is to progress along our spiritual path, so that we can show up in the best way possible for our family and friends. If we figure things out, we can help others figure things out too.
S: We both value serving others. We support each other’s growth and practice to become the highest version of ourselves so we can be more useful for others. And for each other.
What is your best advice for single people looking to enter a spiritually connected relationship? Is there anything you wish you could have told your younger self?
JC: I’d tell my younger self is: “The right person for you will be someone you can see as a teacher, someone who will make you want to be better, someone who does not act as an echo chamber or bubble for your negative habits, but someone who has figured out some of the things you’re still working on.”
S: My parents have been my greatest teachers when it comes to relationships. My mom always taught me to find someone who was my equal and could take better care of me than I could of myself. That meant I needed to take the best care of myself and truly love myself so that any partner would just be adding more love to my life.
Bobby (left) and Christine (right)
Christine (she/her) and Bobby (he/him) are musicians, sound healers and meditation teachers who run Awarehouse NYC. They met in 2013 when they were both working at the same restaurant.
How did you meet and were you looking for a spiritual partner at the time?
C: I met Bobby while we were both working at a restaurant in Soho. I had just moved back from LA and was in the midst of my own spiritual metamorphosis. I had just completely shaved my head as a radical act of severing this worshipful attachment I had to my hair, ingrained in me by my family and culture. I wouldn’t say I was actively looking for a partner who embodied a similar sense of spirituality, but in hindsight I think it is very beautiful having met him at that time when I was in both a vulnerable and explorative state.
B: We met while we were both working at La Esquina. We barely spoke or looked at each other at first, but I always had that secret crush and would invite Christine to parties that she never came to. Then we slowly began noticing each other reading metaphysical books. We started sharing music and stories about our spirituality and then it was like BAM! We couldn't get enough of each other. We were both really excited to have another person to talk to who was equally interested in learning about the nature of reality.
What makes this relationship different from your previous relationships or different from your ideas about loving relationships when you were single?
C: I spent a lot of time in my past coming from a place of anger and intense emotion, and my relationships reflected that, so much so that I began to confuse intensity with intimacy. I didn’t understand that tranquility and companionship could be a part of a romantic relationship. Bobby and I were friends for almost three years before we started dating which allowed us to fully connect from a more authentic place, free of sexual pressures. We connected the way friends do: we spent most of our time talking about shared interests like metaphysics, art, sound, visionary experience, meditation, etc. I didn’t have many people around me at the time that I could talk to about these things, so it felt electrifying to be able to share this part of myself with someone that was genuinely engaged.
B: The main thing that makes this relationship different is the mutual and genuine interest in helping each other become the best versions of ourselves. It definitely helps to have a partner that supports your practices and understands them, but I don’t think it’s an absolute necessity. There’s a lot more that goes into a good relationship. I feel that we’re forced to repeat the lessons until we understand them. Being with someone who understands that and wants to learn and grow with you despite uncomfortable moments makes a world of difference.
Are there any beliefs or habits you had to adopt or let go of in order to make this relationship successful?
C: I keep in mind that everything is always in a state of flux. We can forget that there's always something new to discover and appreciate in each other. I also find this helpful in finding forgiveness, and not hanging on to an archetypal version of him that has already expired.
B: We’re constantly refining our beliefs and habits together. I’ve felt the biggest shift from letting go of the belief that things exist as they are independent of my perception. Realizing that I’m 100% responsible for my experience of reality. For most of us it’s hard to know what’s happening in our own minds, yet we’re so quick to think we know what’s happening in someone else’s and then build fantastical stories on top of our assumptions.
Are there any spiritual practices you use as an individual to navigate conflict or uncomfortable moments in the relationship?
C: I like to remind myself that in each moment I have a choice; to react out of fear or anger, or respond to the challenge as an opportunity to break a cycle and create something different. I also maintain a practice of taking radical self-responsibility for the things I experience, remembering that my perception of Bobby comes from me, not him. So the lens through which I see him is entirely based on the things I've thought, said, and done in my past, and actually has nothing to do with who he really is. I also find that exercising restraint when faced with a heightened emotion prevents a charged reaction, gives me the space I need to take measure of my emotions, and helps me see past the illusion. I know that if I react in anger, I'm only planting more seeds to experience that in the future.
B: Whenever I’m experiencing a challenging moment, I like to frame it like this “What am I trying to teach myself right now (through the other person)? What do I need to give myself (the other person) right now? What is it that I need to understand in order to stop experiencing this discomfort?” Then it becomes almost like a game or a puzzle to figure out, and it puts some space between the uncomfortable sensation and the reaction to the discomfort.
Are there any spiritual practices you use to connect with each other and how often do you practice together?
C: Aside from the group practices we do together through our project Awarehouse, which includes sound meditations and intentional journeys, we usually have a more intimate ceremony on the New Moon to reflect and connect with what we want to purify and set intentions. We incorporate elements such as fire, music, building an altar, writing, playing our instruments, and toning. We both participate in larger ceremonies that are anchored in indigenous and Earth wisdom teachings that have been extremely formative in developing our relationship. We also love meditating together, and sharing any insights that help support our individual practice.
B: We meditate together almost every morning and we listen to lectures and take classes together at least a few times each week. We both keep Altars, work with the earth and it’s cycles, and we’ve participated in and led different kinds of ceremonies from the very beginning of our relationship. We facilitate sound meditations together for groups and individuals. We’ve been doing these together for a little over 3 years, and it’s the main focus of the practices we’ve developed together. It’s such a beautiful and rewarding experience to hold these offerings with Christine, and to have witnessed the amount of growth that’s occurred both in each of us individually and as a team. The way our energies balance each other, and the way in which each of our areas of expertise fill in the gaps of the other’s.
What are your top relationship values or intentions?
C: Integrity, trust, mindful communication, compassionate service, inclusivity, creativity and joy are at the top of our list. We have a lot of fun learning, growing and creating together. Our shared mission is to become the most authentic, fully realized version of ourselves so that we can do the highest amount of good for the most amount of people.
B: Honesty, especially around desires, goals, dreams and wishes. We’re both extremely interested in the history, legacy and evolution of our species. We have a kind of mantra we invoke any time we’re preparing to lead a practice, practice ourselves, or even if we’re having a party or something. In everything we do we set the intention of doing the highest amount of good for the most amount of people.
What is your best advice for single people looking to enter a spiritually connected relationship? Is there anything you wish you could have told your younger self?
B: Be yourself and have an open mind, don’t change who you are for anyone but yourself. The truer you are to yourself the more likely you are to attract someone who likes the real you. Be honest about what you really want with others and with yourself. If you want something, help someone else get it. Be patient. Follow your highest excitement.
C: The more compassionate, joy, forgiveness and acceptance you allow for yourself, the more you’ll draw the kind of people and experiences that elevate you.